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Apr. 15th, 2010

Denny Jones

too hot to think clearly

I have never been able to properly express myself in this climate.  I am figuratively and literally burnt.  It is at least  41/106 degrees outside yet again and I can no longer console myself with the words, "baby, it is all part of the adventure." 

I know I only have another 3.5 months until I can leave Cambodia, but on the many days this place feels like hell, all I want to do is die!

I will be honest.  After several asymptomatic years of feeling in control, I have started worrying about my mental health again.  The inexplicable and illogical urge to slit my wrist is constantly just under the surface.

The only way I can keep myself from thinking these thoughts is to either call someone to watch TV with me, or to take myself out of the house and in to town, generally to an air-conditioned Internet cafe.

I feel like a withered shell of the man I used to be.  So fragile and sensitive.

Of course if I was still in the States, I would be screaming for help and abusing myself, but I cannot do that out here.

Last night was just as hot as the day.  At 11:30, after a day filled with moments which only served to convince me the Universe was out to do me in, the electricity in my village was cut.  I tried to remain calm as I began dreading the hours which indeed came.  After two sweaty hours, with no way of knowing if or when the power would be restored, I was literally throwing things in the dark and screaming. 

By the time the electricity returned several hours later, my bed was soaked in sweat, the floor was strewn with blankets and pillows,  and I was exhausted.

I have nothing positive to say right now.  Everywhere I look, I see violent depravity, shit and garbage.

How could I have ever thought this place was beautiful?  Cambodian culture is thread bare and traumatized.

Since I arrived in Cambodia more than five years ago, all of the clothes I arrived with, have been slowly stolen from my house. People mistakenly think I am wealthy which is precisely why I have been reduced to begging for the funds to leave this desperate place.

Today, I had to lock my refrigerator and my bedroom door before leaving the house!
Denny Jones

(no subject)

Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same. I will always be grateful to my angels for bringing us together. You are precious.

Apr. 7th, 2010

Denny Jones

Five years ago


Narorn as a Student, originally uploaded by globaldenny.

Denny Jones

a testimonial

"Oh Denny~please don't feel bad about this (asking for help). Understandable, though it is to feel weird about asking/taking assistance from other people when you are used to doing for yourself, I know you to be an unusually kindhearted and generous person. You'd give the proverbial shirt off your back to a friend who needed it and not give a thought to receiving ... See More-anything in return. You are the sort of person who, when they are in a spot like this, their friends are GLAD to have been told about it so as to do whatever they can.
Plus, being even a small part in furthering the cause of true love is a gift unto itself. And finding a path that will reunite you with your true love~well, that doesn't reduce you. It does the opposite, I think!
" ~Pamella Avey-Alyosha
Denny Jones

(no subject)

While in Cambodia, I have learned not to believe in promises. I am relying upon the generosity of my friends to make this come true. Otherwise, I fear I will be stuck in Cambodia working in exchange for pennies the rest of my life. I want to resume my life with the one I love and forgo what has become of my Cambodian life. I have never felt so trapped before.
Denny Jones

(no subject)

How can I effectively convey my situation without sounding melodramatic? Honestly, I have no employment options in Cambodia which would pay me enough to ever afford a ticket out of here. I feel stuck with a longing heart and a dead-end job in a country with a grim future.  At this very moment I am hopeful fate will be kind. But, when I wake up crying at three in the morning, I feel frightened and uncertain.

What I have are veiled and potentially hollow promises of assistance from people who understandably cannot fathom (my) life in Cambodia. Not at all unlike Somalia or even Iraq, this is not a place for the faint of heart or love lorn. I have long since tired of being Mother fucking Theressa, and every day since my partner left has been worse than the day my mother died. How is that for melodrama?

Apr. 6th, 2010

Denny Jones

Get Denny Out of Cambodia!

I have been reduced to begging...

www.facebook.com/group.php

Apr. 4th, 2010

Denny Jones

(no subject)


, originally uploaded by globaldenny.

Mar. 25th, 2010

Denny Jones

(no subject)


, originally uploaded by globaldenny.

Denny Jones

(no subject)

I have been so depressed lately that my writing juices just do not flow. I did manage to write a title and a sentence however for a piece I may wind up writing.

The Fall of Republics and the Rise of Dictators

Human societies are in a constant cycle of construction and self-destruction.

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