I know I only have another 3.5 months until I can leave Cambodia, but on the many days this place feels like hell, all I want to do is die!
I will be honest. After several asymptomatic years of feeling in control, I have started worrying about my mental health again. The inexplicable and illogical urge to slit my wrist is constantly just under the surface.
The only way I can keep myself from thinking these thoughts is to either call someone to watch TV with me, or to take myself out of the house and in to town, generally to an air-conditioned Internet cafe.
I feel like a withered shell of the man I used to be. So fragile and sensitive.
Of course if I was still in the States, I would be screaming for help and abusing myself, but I cannot do that out here.
Last night was just as hot as the day. At 11:30, after a day filled with moments which only served to convince me the Universe was out to do me in, the electricity in my village was cut. I tried to remain calm as I began dreading the hours which indeed came. After two sweaty hours, with no way of knowing if or when the power would be restored, I was literally throwing things in the dark and screaming.
By the time the electricity returned several hours later, my bed was soaked in sweat, the floor was strewn with blankets and pillows, and I was exhausted.
I have nothing positive to say right now. Everywhere I look, I see violent depravity, shit and garbage.
How could I have ever thought this place was beautiful? Cambodian culture is thread bare and traumatized.
Since I arrived in Cambodia more than five years ago, all of the clothes I arrived with, have been slowly stolen from my house. People mistakenly think I am wealthy which is precisely why I have been reduced to begging for the funds to leave this desperate place.
Today, I had to lock my refrigerator and my bedroom door before leaving the house!